How White Therapists Can Show Up for BIPOC Clients Without Centering Their Own Comfort

One of the most common questions I get from white clinicians: "How do I talk about race, ethnicity or culture with my BIPOC clients without making it about me?"

It's a good question. And it points to a deeper challenge: learning to tolerate discomfort without collapsing, defending, or disappearing.

The Trap of White Fragility in the Therapy Room

Quickly, what is white fragility? It refers to the discomfort and defensive reactions that some white people experience when confronted with issues of race, racism, or their own racial biases. This discomfort can manifest as anger, fear, guilt, denial, silence, or avoidance, and often serves to protect the white person’s sense of racial equilibrium by shutting down or diverting conversations about racial inequality. Although white fragility is not racism itself, it can reinforce racist dynamics by centering white people's feelings and avoiding accountability, which in turn hinders honest discussions and progress toward racial justice.

White fragility can show up in healing spaces as defensiveness, avoidance, or emotional overwhelm when race is named or challenged. Therapists may feel intense shame, guilt, or confusion, which can lead to shutting down conversations, minimizing client experiences, or redirecting focus to their own feelings. This instinct to protect oneself ultimately centers the clinician’s comfort over the client’s safety and experience. An unaware white clinician risks perpetuating harm by prioritizing their own need for affirmation or apology, rather than staying present with the client’s reality.​

Concrete Strategies for Staying Present

• Practice deep listening and let clients lead the conversation about race and identity. 
• Name racial dynamics in the room when you notice them, and invite the client’s perspective—even if it feels uncomfortable.
• Pause to check in with your body’s responses (tightness, anxiety, shame) and refocus your attention on the client’s needs. If you don’t already, what are ways that help bring regulation into your system when you have bodily responses show up that let you know that you are uncomfortable? 
• Seek supervision or consultation on anti-racist practice, especially after sessions where you struggled to stay present - with the client, their story, or the dynamics that showed up in the room.
• When you notice defensiveness or emotional overwhelm, breathe, acknowledge it quietly, and recommit to centering your client’s experience.
• Validate and reflect the client’s experience—rather than seeking reassurance or focusing on your intent to “do better”.​ Although big, messy feelings may show up, this isn’t about you, as that continues to focus on your defensiveness rather than repair. 

Repair vs. Defensiveness

When you make a mistake—like missing a racial cue, committing a microaggression, or speaking out of turn—repair involves acknowledging the impact, owning the harm, and inviting feedback on how to move forward. Defensiveness, by contrast, shifts the focus to your own justifications, confusion, or need for comfort.

Repair is an act of accountability that asks “What do you need from me now?” 

Defensiveness asks “Did I do something wrong?” or “Please reassure me.”

In real practice, repair might sound like, “I’m sorry I missed that—if you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen and learn, with the understanding that it is not your job to educate me” instead of “I didn’t mean it that way.”


If you're ready to practice holding discomfort without centering it, join the waitlist for UnSettle Your Practice.